~ °Café de Terrasse° ~

The thoughts of an odd duck who sits alone in a night cafe, with a stylo in his right, a journal in his left, a valise under his chaise, a tasse on the table, and plenty of time to pass.

~ Salut! Come and join me at Table #12 |Leaving so soon? Ecrivez-Moi! ~

As of right now, patrons have patronized me. I feel...

The current mood of wearytraveller at www.imood.com

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~ samedi, février 22, 2003 ~

Allow me to vent. No wait, not really vent but, haha... anyway, I feel so terrible. It's just terribly awful to feel sorry for yourself. I do. I feel so guilty for feeling this way though because I never liked people who felt this way. Now I find myself being a hypocritical son of a motha fatha. Sure they can tell me, "You need to get out more", or how about, "Don't be so uptight, go out and live a little." Now how do I do that? By going out with friends! I'm too busy for friends. Busy with what? Busy with myself. Doing what? Being me. I just found out something about myself that probably is the cause of all this behaviour. I am a free person. It's not that I don't like commitment, i value commitment. I mean that I don't like to be tied down. I'm not a kite. I'm a cloud. I can't stand being suppressed, oppressed, or depressed. I need to be liberated. It's weird though that i hush myself to stay that way. It's a crazy paradox. I suppress myself. I oppress myself. I depress myself. All of my sadness is because of myself. It's a problem i have with myself because i would rather not have problems with anyone else. Apparently, it's not working. I don't like the feeling of being constantly smothered by the love of a single person. I always need room. Sometimes though, I get too much room and I want someone to be close... then they get too close and I need room again. I understand they aren't yo-yos. I'm just a caught in an entangled ball of stringy relationships because of it. I can decide right now, to be happy and laugh. Smile! I'm smiling right now as i type this and my stress is slowly going away. Where does it go? It goes deeper down. All the sadness is being suppressed. I am feeling better now. See what I do!? It's a terrible way to cope. I wish i weren't so far from everybody else. I wish I wasn't alienating myself but that's my personality. I can't change my personality. The more nobody can change mine. What am I to do? Only love can change me, but not the smothering kind, nor the conflicting kind. I'm such good friends with some because of our philio and my family because of our storge. I'm looking for that person who I can share agape with. that's a really long time from now. I think I'm still a bit young to be thinking about it. But the day i become a changed man is the day i will be happy.

~Benjamin 2/22/2003 09:27:00 PM

I don't think i've ever felt this way for such a long time before. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what might become of me on graduation day or this summer. If don't have them, who else would I have but myself? I...

~Benjamin 2/22/2003 03:29:00 PM

I don't like my computer applications teacher, Mr. Saucy. He is extremely annoying. In opinion, I find him disagreeable- most, most disagreeable.

~Benjamin 2/22/2003 12:34:00 AM

I had a rather pleasant day today... that is, until lunchtime. Something went wrong today right after Dr. Brown's class. I had a surprise mood change and I suddenly found myself remembering my 5th and 6th grade past- a time I like to call the Dark days of my life. How I detested those days. They weren't terrible days but they were certainly disagreeable. Twas when Fatima, and Victoria, and David, and everybody 'sont sorti', and I felt like, like I was re-living those days. I found myself in the front office studying my lessons and cursing that forsaken 11-minute gift from the school administration.
I want to address a certain someone. Hey, I'm no longer the anti-social type... I've never been anti-social. I've had no reason to be. I don't ask for that feeling; it comes to me. I just don't like how everybody thinks that I'm this misanthropic kill-joy who is too focused on myself because I don't share their interests. If I had any problems, it wouldn't be with you, it would be with me. Before you start to talk, you better first listen and you better learn to speak, because I am not you and you are not me. You know who you are Mr. 'I-think-you-should-stop-being-such-an-ass'. Don't compare me to his candid openness because if i could, I would. This is me, and simply because you don't agree with them, I will not change my values for anyone.

~Benjamin 2/22/2003 12:14:00 AM

~ jeudi, février 20, 2003 ~

What do I do for fun? Hmmm... I'll have to get back to them on that one.

~Benjamin 2/20/2003 11:27:00 PM

~ mardi, février 18, 2003 ~

I can't seem to get myself to do work. I am procrastinating like hell. Well, if hell procrast... whatever. Anyway, school isn't really tiring me out yet but, I don't seem to care much anymore. Hmmm... I guess everybody goes through this. My friend Justin, who's like, super smart and goal-oriented seems to have felt the same way before. I guess then everyone feels this way at some point or another. However, I think my problem is rooted more in how there's no longer any excitement in my life... at least not at this point. My problem is that my life has fallen into a sickening and pathetic routine. I wake up, wash up, take my morning coffee, go to classes, come home, eat, watch tv, do homework, have supper, drink my evening caffé, instant message, iron clothes, then go to sleep. I wake up every morning and sleep every night the same way. Even now, I am part of it. I tried so hard last year to get out of routine. I walked to my classes taking different routes, I would spend my nights on the parlour sofa or in a sleeping bag in the hallway, I would trade dinner seats with my brother, I would go to Starbucks after school to sip on lattés and read a book. Now i don't do those things because of classes, or time constraints, or just plain laziness. I'm sure everybody's life falls under some sort of routine at one point or another. This week, my goal is to break away. I love blogging. It actually gets me to re-think my lifestyle and now I feel confident that I can change it. I think that's what everybody needs... a blog, a journal, a diary, or whatever- something where you can write to yourself and to anybody else who would pay attention. Not only does it provide me with with a way to scream to/at/with/from the world, but it provides a way for me to think to/by/with/for myself. My first official break from routine- I'm not doing homework! Well, no wait, i can't do that. Ummm... Oh, I know! I'm going to do my homework in blue ink! haha. I'm going crazy.

~Benjamin 2/18/2003 06:18:00 PM

En memoire de Floy Catabas (1932-2002)