~ °Café de Terrasse° ~

~ jeudi, août 17, 2006 ~

NUN CHUNKS

So I saw a nun at Costco yesterday and I decided to follow her around for a while. I wondered, 'what do nuns buy at Costco?' Sister Mary-Something (I couldn't get a good look at her name tag) bought a box of Honey Bunches of Oats Cereal, Bisquick Pancake Mix, and 2% fat Bovine Milk. So that's what they eat!!! I was starting to think that maybe they had special nun food that they eat... yesterday Trisha called it "Nun-Chunks." hahaha. But yeah, maybe I should be ashamed of myself, stalking a nun around Costco like that... BUT I HAD TO KNOW!!!

I had a great time yesterday. It was Trisha's birthday!! I got to hang out with her and her high school friends and her family.. oodles of fun!
Now I am reading a wonderful book.. it's called "How to Make Meetings Work." THIS IS JUST WHAT WE NEED FOR NEWMAN! Hopefully liturgy meetings go especially well this year... I've been reading up a lot about liturgy and its history, the practices of the Church, theology, dogma, doctrine, teachings, cultural practices, liberalism, conservatism, philosophies... and it's all proving very useful. Still, I don't know as much as I want to... there's soo much information... I'm learning something new everyday!
I didn't know that historically, Gregorian Chant during liturgies was considered too liberal for the American Roman Catholic Church.

Yeah... and in the early days proceeding Vatican II, there were sooo many unheard of liturgical abuses that it'd take a whole nother post for me to say it here.

Oh liturgy, it's going to be an exciting year... i guarantee it.

~Benjamin 8/17/2006 11:48:00 AM

I HATE THE WORLD!!!

...no I'm just kidding, I really don't. haha.
You see, it's not the end of a relationship... it's the beginning of a new one... a strong friendship I hope and pray. She was the first girl I ever loved... and that's the truth. I'm doing alright though... better than I thought I could.. and it's all because the Lord is by my side.
However, there are five minor details that are proving a bit difficult to get over...

First thing: the radio. I was driving home from Trisha's parish and I made the mistake of listening to Love Songs on the KOST 103.5... freakin Karen Sharp. But a flip of the station changed that... probably won't be listening to those songs in a while.
Second thing: changing all my relationship statuses (stati?) on facebook, myspace, etc. Damn, she initiated it already and removed our relationship status on facebook. When I logged on, all it said on my profile was "In a relationship." No other name to click on. It just felt soo empty. But I took a deep breath and now I'm fine.
Third thing: seeing young couples. Brings back all the memories... but I'm not bitter, just reminiscent. I can tell you one thing... I won't be going to the park alone for a long while!
Fourth thing: being alone in Duarte. I realize I don't really have many friends in Duarte anymore. If I was in Davis, things would be different... I need people to keep me occupied for a while. Duarte is too lonely these days and I wouldn't even know where to start meeting new people. My family isn't exactly fun company all the time either. Would somebody call me, please?
Fifth thing: bedtime. This is the hardest of them all. It's those first painful 7-12 minutes before I fall asleep when I can't help but think in the silence of my dark room. That's when my mind starts wandering and the "why's & how's & what if's" and stuff come up. Once I fall asleep, I'm fine, but while I'm up trying, my God, it's like I'm dying! Somehow I have to ask God to help me rest... to clear my mind and remember that I still love her in the best possible way. That's all there is to it.

When I cry, I'm going to follow the advice from "Tuesdays with Morrie". In the book (or ahem, movie), Morrie is afflicted with his frail body and in the mornings he cries for a few minutes to mourn.. for a few tearful moments, he lets it all out. Wait, here's a quote:

"I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate
on all the good things still in my life. On the people who are
coming to see me. On the stories I’m going to hear...
A little each morning, a few tears, and that’s all."

Since the end of the romantic part of our relationship, I haven't mourned or cried about it yet.. this afternoon, I read Trisha's letter, wrote one of my own, then went to Mass. I'm doing fine though... holding it all together. Tonight, I'll let it out in a small healthy dose. Then I'll stop and I'll remember how very blessed I am... to have family, friends, health, God, and now Trisha as a good friend in my life. I'll remember all of you who have prayed for me, her, and us and I'll pray for you too.

My first official break-up and I'm doing quite fine, which really surprises me. If this had happened last week, dear goodness, I know for sure that I would have been devastated. But I've grown since then and now I realize that she hasn't left my life- she's just a different part of it and I can love her with the strongest type of love. I hope she'll talk to me once in a while though.. initiate an IM or something... that way I'll feel a little more assured. I can't stand cold-turkey (or pizza for that matter).
wowww... I just typed that literally a few seconds ago and she just IM'd me asking if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her friend tomorrow. Praise God.
sigh*

C'est la vie... and this is just another part of growing up. I've learned a lot, felt a lot, endured a lot in the past 2 months.. For now I think it's ok to cry that it ended, but one day (hopefully soon), I'll be able to smile because it happened. With the Lord's help, everything is gonna be alright.

God Bless you and for all you fellow Catholics out there, Happy Feast of the Assumption!! ...well, what's left of it.

~Benjamin 8/15/2006 11:02:00 PM

ENOUGH!

Enough is enough. This isn't fair. I don't understand what's going on... I don't even know if we're still together or what.. does she still want to even be my girlfriend? I find myself everyday praying and praying for relief and comfort.. but relief and comfort from what? I don't even know what's going on. She's not telling me anything.. and I'm in the dark. I was afraid of this dark for so long but I realized that the Lord is my light and with that light, I shall "be not afraid." I'm stronger than this and I'm finally realizing it... at a kinda funny time too:

I was at my doctor's getting a physical exam. He told me to lie down and lift my shirt. As he was feeling my abs, my mind was elsewhere and it dawned on me and I was like, "what the heck is going on?" Dr. Z was like, "Pardon? I'm just making sure your abdominal muscles are blah blah blah.." and I just laughed because that wasn't what I was thinking about. Haha, he looked at me like I was insane--- probably why he ended the exam earlier than I thought he would.
I love my girlfriend.. but I don't know if she can see that. She doesn't even trust me enough to tell me what's wrong yet.. I don't know if she wants space or time or what.. I do know that I'll continue praying for her... for sure. I really still care about her, but I refuse to obsess. When she's ready, she'll tell me. As for me, I'm going to be there for her whenever she needs me, but I'm not going to wait around idly. Yep, she's a big part of my life but she isn't my entire life.. so we'll see what happens.

~Benjamin 8/15/2006 10:17:00 AM

G*T G*D?

I wonder if there's such a thing as being too religious. Looking back at my blog history, I've never really written anything about God or even mentioned the Lord in my any of my posts until this year. It's strange how He started surging so strongly in my life when I opened my heart to that special someone. He suddenly popped in and took on a more active role. Then I saw everything and everyone as a blessing.. or a trial (EGR ppl).
Now it's always "Praise the Lord for this!" or "Thank God for that!" or "Help me God!" or whatever..
Back in the day, I used to take Sonya's cue and refer to God as G*d.. I still do that sometimes out of habit like a few days ago when I was talking to Trisha online and she wondered why I did it. I never realized how much more bold I've become in referring to my Maker. I wonder why that is. I used to be ashamed mentioning God anywhere. I used to hate praying in public places because I was too self-conscious and embarassed. Now I still dislike praying in public places but for a different reason: because I don't want to show off.
I don't feel any holier, that's for sure. I'm not recieving any more calls to the priesthood or anything like that. In fact, I know that if I decide to become a priest now, it would not be so much to serve God but to run away from problems like the one my heart is enduring right now.

Hehe.. thinking selfishly for a moment though- I've been considering the deaconate- then I could marry and serve the Lord in an ecclesiastical way at the same time... it's like the best of both worlds. It's love x2. I used to think that becoming a deacon was just a half-@**'d job... sorry Deacon Clark. Well of course I don't think that anymore but I used to and now seeing what a deacon has to do and go through, I have soo much more respect for these men who can balance married life with inner church life. That takes a lot of endurance, patience, and balance. Well, whatever the Lord plans for me, may His will be done.

O crud, it's 9:32am and i got a doctor's appointment in a few minutes.. uhhh gotta go..
to finish this post, i'll just leave ya'll with something i read in a St. Francis prayer card this morning:

"O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved, as to love."

That St. Francis, man. that guy was awesome.

~Benjamin 8/15/2006 09:21:00 AM

ASSUMPTIONS, ASSUMPTIONS.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was.. every hour of everyday, I can't help it. I tell myself not to lose hope and not to lose faith... but it's getting harder and harder. The only thing that keeps me going is Love. The Bible was right- Love is the strongest of them all!
I've been praying about my relationship, my vocation, and the meaning of true love, but it seems like the Lord isn't listening to my pleas for understanding. My heart thumps so fast and hard and my fears get in the way and now I'm afraid of losing my faith altogether. I don't wanna ask God for a sign because isn't that like testing Him? He'd call me a hypocrite if I did that. I just realized though that this trial I'm going through is probably not nearly as harsh as the one she might be facing. I feel very sad, not so much for me, but for her. May the Lord grant her the answers she seeks.
Today a certain friend made my day. He called me a few hours ago to tell me that he was praying for us and that really strengthened my faith. Praise the Lord for such kind and loving friends. The people He puts in our lives to help us.. it's amazing.
Tomorrow is the Feast of the Assumption. I don't know whether I should go to Our Lady of the Assumption Church for that Mass.. I mean, that had been my plan for weeks and weeks now... how awesome is it to attend that particular Mass on the parish's patronage! It's like going to the feast of the Immaculate Conception at my parish or the Feast of J.H. Newman @ the Newman Chapel. The only thing is that I don't want to make things awkward if I go there tomorrow. I think she wants space so I'm going to step back and give her space until she's ready. It doesn't matter what church I go to anyway.. as long as I go to Mass. I could go to Our Lady of Guadalupe parish in Irwindale even... for goodness sakes, it's the same Lady!!
Oh God, graciously hear us & the petitions in our hearts. My God, I care about her sooo much.. it hurts me very much to go through this but I think it hurts her too. God will get us through though.. I just know He will.. He always does.
..right?

~Benjamin 8/14/2006 09:33:00 PM

ACCORDING TO THE MANUAL...

Love is patient,
Love is kind,
It is not jealous,
(Love) is not pompous,
It is not inflated,
It is not rude,
It does not seek its own interests,
It is not quick-tempered,
It does not brood over injury,
It does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13: 4-8

~Benjamin 8/13/2006 10:19:00 PM

...still praying for a miracle...

~Benjamin 8/13/2006 10:14:00 PM

Mass was nice this morning. Fr. Reyes quoted St. Teresa- something about how people become depressed because they focus on their failures and don't count their blessings. It's true.
This morning, I woke up at 7:12-ish and I was calm and relaxed.. but one look at the rosary under my pillow, which I had used last night to pray for comfort brought back all the fear and worry. I ended up going outside to catch the morning sun.. my father used to always say that God's blessing comes to you in the morning.. heh, I just never could wake up for it, I guess. My front garden was calming and relaxing, the bees were buzzing, the flowers just opened, the newspaper boy just threw a paper at my house... it was all something I haven't experienced in a long time... yet throughout this entire display of beauty, I couldn't help but think: 'all this waiting for a letter is painful torture.'
But after Mass, I thought to myself: 'Wow. It's probably just as difficult for the person writing that letter.'
God has plans for all of us.. I understand that and I'm slowly learning to accept it. Ok life, whatever you throw at me, I'm ready to face it... not gonna get me down so easily! hehehehe.

~Benjamin 8/13/2006 11:37:00 AM

HOPE?

I once told her that I'm not scared of anything.. well, I totally lied.. and I am honestly, really scared right now. I tried to play it off in our online conversation but to tell the truth, I have a feeling that I think I know what's coming. This reminds me of December... it reminds me A LOT like December.. all the signs are there!!
But maybe there's hope yet.. oh God, please let there be hope. I'm begging before Your throne Lord.
I'm gonna try and go to sleep now but it's definitely not going to be easy.

~Benjamin 8/13/2006 12:49:00 AM