The thoughts of an odd duck who sits alone in a night cafe, with a stylo in his right, a journal in his left, a valise under his chaise, a tasse on the table, and plenty of time to pass.
I need some leadership development help fast... this newman leadership position is getting to be really disappointing.. and lately it's made me a little anti-social. I've been going into introvert mood A LOT lately and that is certainly not good when I'm expected to do my job. I'm trying really hard to work with people and it's not easy for me because I consider myself to be a very independent worker & it's hard for me to ask for favors and help on projects that I can't tackle on my own.. but I gotta. Gosh, I wish it were that simple. And Newman doesn't seem to be helping. I feel like this job is making it worse for me to associate with people (especially the new ones) because there's more stuff expected from Ben the Staff member. I just want to do a good job. But I'm too nervous to pull it off. I don't wanna be too bossy or too serious or too flimsy wishy washy. I want to be firm but compassionate, stable but flexible, confident but humble, opinionated but understanding and balanced. Sometimes I have a problem with authority and I guess I'm too afraid of being all those qualities that I dislike in authority. I can't stand bossiness and that's probably why I lack courage. I want to be a strong-willed individual for God, and if not for Him, then for the people I serve, and if not for them, then for myself! And I don't want to be a chump... I hope to be more than just a puppet of someone else's cause.. I'd like to speak for myself and be able to represent others. I want to learn how to make myself be heard as a voice that counts. I just wanna be an effective leader. I don't really know what that is though... and I'm kindof unsure of how to be one.. but I can surely take all the help I can get.
~Benjamin 9/28/2005 02:22:00 AM