~ °Café de Terrasse° ~

The thoughts of an odd duck who sits alone in a night cafe, with a stylo in his right, a journal in his left, a valise under his chaise, a tasse on the table, and plenty of time to pass.

~ Salut! Come and join me at Table #12 |Leaving so soon? Ecrivez-Moi! ~

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~ vendredi, décembre 02, 2005 ~

If I could give up on romance, I would. Thaaaat's it. I'm done. Sure I say that now but tomorrow, you watch me get suuuucked into it all again and all the randoum feelings come back. The only true solution I see to this whole mess is getting everything out in the open and being direct for once.. I gots to admit it to myself and the person that I have feelings. I've hidden them long enough and it's always been that way with me. It's time to change it! This is the dawning of a new era for Ben.. that's right. Whether I get what I wish or I get shut down, I can at leaaast be proud of myself for overcoming old habits and becoming a new man.
Now the only problem is how am I going to do this and when. Yeah.. it's quite a pickle for me.
Direct Ben.. huh, that sounds more like it. I'm still not gonna be an emotionally to-the-point kinda guy, but whatever.. baby steps, baby steps.

You know, sometimes, I feel like I have problems but then I realize that it's all in my head. I'm surrounded by people who have real* problems and boy, sometimes I'm thankful that I haven't experienced these sorts of things.. I have learning ops all around me. I make my own mistakes.. it's time to learn from them. So standby over the next few days as new Benjamin fills you in on the details of this new investment of his.
It's not all about me.. but I play a pretty big role here.

~Benjamin 12/02/2005 02:19:00 AM

~ mardi, novembre 29, 2005 ~

SMACK DAB RIGHT IN THE FACE!
I've come to the conclusion that being a Romantic is amazingly disappointing.. now I see why we're called "hopeless".. because of these ideals that we think are soo attainable and we're in so much denial about how impossible they are.. this is why so many people look up at our heads in the clouds. Oh dear goodness, the things we do for love (with a lower case L)... we must be out of our minds. It's so hard being a Romantic but I'd rather eat the leaves of a poinsetta than become realist.
Now I feel the way Stéphane Mallarmé must have felt and I beg to understand the inspiration of Claude Debussy.. they really were on to something.

A priest once told me an Ancient Greek philosophy that is to take the greatest moment & the worst moment in my life... take them, remember them one last time, then forget about them totally. That way I can move on from that horrible ordeal and always have the hope that I can surpass the happiness of that joyful occasion.

To be less vague about everything.. I am glad Christmas is around. I am sad that everybody's so caught up with other stuff to enjoy the season. To be the only one alive but weighed down by the rock of indifferential sorrow.. that lonely feeling everytime advent comes around.. it's very dampening. The weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful... won't anybody come share that fire with me? Or am I just gonna end up alone under a pile of pillows with Edgar Allen Poe?
The season to be jolly. Maybe tomorrow... we'll see.

~Benjamin 11/29/2005 01:05:00 AM

En memoire de Floy Catabas (1932-2002)