~ °Café de Terrasse° ~

~ dimanche, juillet 09, 2006 ~

ARGHH.. I NEED A BREAK!! I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE!!!
I love my friends and apt-mates but I AM GOING CRAZY.
Freakin Ken and Emil are good people and awesome roomies but they are irritating me.. and I feel bad for feeling like this.
I'm sick of everyday routine! Everyday it's freakin wake up, go downstairs, Ken and Emil are either in class/work or playing the freakin maple story online computer game.. which IS SOOO NOT MY CUP OF TEA.
I wanna go out with people and take a walk or maybe go to church, or go dancing, or window shopping, or café lounging, or or what not.. but I guess I don't share those interests with anybody I live with. I want to go antiquing and I'd like to walk through a museum... I'd like to go to a vineyard or orchard and go fruit picking.. I want to dress up in our best clothing and stroll in the evening.. which I did recently.
OH MY GOODNESS.. that's the other thing.. A few nights ago, I went out for a night time promenade with a friend but we both dressed up for it because I said that I miss going for walks in the ol' neighborhood wearing my Sunday best.. and I didn't want to tell anybody because it'd be too much to explain.. freakin roommies already think I'm weird.. and now they won't let it go.. they pull out the card that says I never invite them anywhere... when I do but I don't feel the need to call their phones each individually because I freakin live with these motherheckers. And freakin, that's the other thing.. I've invited them individually in the past and THEY DON'T GO.. salsa dancing, or to chill at Newman. The reason why it seems like I hang out with a lot of people is because I meet them at freakin Newman.. I spent my days there chillin and if people wanted to hang, all they had to do was come to Newman like I'd been saying.. you don't need an invitation to go to Newman!! My freakin "posse" is made up of people who chill at newman.. shish! And most of the time, we didn't do much or go anywhere.. we chilled at newman, went to a restaurant for a meal, then came back and chilled some more.. just talking and stuff.

Ok, I want to meet new people. I want to get involved in new things. Newman is like squeezing me and it's suffocating... like I don't have room to breathe and I'm soooooooooooo thankful that St. James is around becauz I feel like I can retreat to St. James and go to Mass there and there's no responsibility and it's nice and more formal and refreshing and I can just pray without being disturbed. I don't even like the name NEWMAN right now. It sounds like a freakin hippo squinting his eyes in a Hawaiian shirt sweating like crazy and wearing flip flops that flappity flap flap flap.. did I ever tell you I don't like the sound that flip flops make? If you ever notice, when i wear flipflops, I try hard not to make that sound.. flap flap flap flap.. ughhhh.. it sounds like big mushy feet pitter pattering dead flat on blubbery buttocks.

I AM IN THE MOST IRRITATED MOOD RIGHT NOW. Freakin A. I almost cussed a few minutes ago but held my tongue. I just came back from Mass a few hours ago.. and it was soooo beautiful and the choir sounded so angelic.. an incredible experience. I stopped by the chapel on the way home and purificated a vessel and lit the sanctuary candle.. and it felt wonderful to be alone in that dark sacred space with no sound but the clinking of chalices and no light except for the flicker of the pure white candle. I think that's all I have to remember.. and it calms me and sooothes me.. and it's like I could hear the voice of the Lord in the burning bougie and see Him in the crystal splinkral of the Holy Cruet. le sigh*

I had a long conversation with Trisha last night.. it was nice. I can't wait to be with her in August. I really miss her.. being with her, looking into her eyes, seeing her smile and laugh.. I wake up every morning and her pillows are next to me and there's the faint scent of her shampoo. Ooh, let me tell you, it's better than Folgers in the morning. And I miss praying with her.. asking Mother Mary to intercede for us.. they say those who pray together stay together.. families, friends, couples..

I'm trying to take better care of myself this Summer.. I'm drinking more water, exercising every day, eating less salt, increasing my potassium intake, eating more fish and fruits and vegetables, increasing my food intake all together, gaining weight, muscle, and guess what? My pee is clear and copious.
I'm eating out less and cooking more and trying new foods... soon I'm going to try new recipes.
My wallet is happy because I'm shopping less, exhibiting self-control. I'm also studying more, writing my papers semi-early, finishing my readings for class, and raising my hand to answer the professor's questions.
My prayer life is about the same, unfortunately.. but I'm going to try to go to some daily Mass and really make a greater effort to pray my scapular prayers.
I'm doing all my chores in the apartment and even a little extra. I'm keeping myself busy, chatting with old friends from high school who I haven't spoken to in years!
I'm reading about liturgy and how to be more assertive.. THIS IS ALL ME ON THE PATH TO SELF-IMPROVEMENT.
Unfortunately, what's suffering is my relationship with roommates, and with Newman friends. It's because I need a break from them. I love them.. I'm just having difficulty showing it because I'm tired.. I really am. I still want to hang out with all of them but I just need a break of some sort from doing the same ol' same ol' with them... because sometimes it's in absence from loved ones that we realize what we most love about them.
Oh, you guys are probably wondering about Michael Capata.. "Isn't he ben's roommie too?" Yeah he is, but something about him is proving inspiring.. I'll never tell the motherhecker that.. but it's relieving sometimes to see somebody studying or to speak to somebody seriously about religion.

I thought I wasn't going to post feelings on this blog anymore but when ya gotta vent and nobody's around to vent to except the people you want to vent about.. well then this is the space to do it.. then again, the Lord is a wonderful listener too.. hrmm.. I probably should've tried that before posting this. =/

~Benjamin 7/09/2006 09:46:00 PM

None of my Filipino friends over here know how to swim..

Leah: Can you swim Ben?
Me: No.. not really.. a little bit but not very well. Can you?
Leah: No. Can Rowena swim?
Me: No.. and she's from Hawaii. I don't know if Arnell swims either.
Ken: What the hell? You people all come from an island surrounded by water!
Me: Yeah, well we ended up on that island because we got stuck there.

I wanna go "swimming".. I can't find my bathing suit though.. I think I left it at home. sux.
Maybe I'll go down to the Greystone pool at 4:12am when nobody's around to see me skinny dip... eh, if anybody's around, i'll give em somethin to look at. I got a fun noodle for ya right here..
Oh goodness, I am in a weird mood right now.. I've been hangin around ken too much lately. Freakin Ken.

Anyway, I've been thinking: What if I moved to North Carolina? That way, I can get a whole bunch of Venus Fly Traps and kill the stupid flies outside. How bout it Sanjj? We'll trade places. You live here, I'll live there.. we'll live everywhere but near.

I must be drunk.
.. not on alcohol.
On love.
.. nahh..
On hot air.

~Benjamin 7/08/2006 02:54:00 AM

I praise and thank the Lord everyday for her because she is such a blessing in my life. I really miss talking to her and hugging her and just being with her... it feels like a long while since we've talked but I guess this is a test of our relationship from the Lord.
Lately, my ulcer-inducing mind has been tampering with the idea that, what if I care about her more than she does about me? If this is so, then this is all new. I admit, I'm used to having it the other way around but now, I've finally found someone who I truly care about. It's soo early in the relationship to be feeling like this. Things are going well though.
I was wondering... if ultimate love involves sacrifice, the way Jesus sacrificed His life for us, am I willing to sacrifice my life for my love? I don't know. Would I sacrifice my life for my family? Would I sacrifice my life for my girlfriend? Would I sacrifice my life for my friends? Would I sacrifice my life for myself? Would I sacrifice my life for God? Sacrificing my life doesn't necessarily mean dying.. but in other words, maybe I'm asking myself.. would I be willing to change for the better and leave behind a life of darkness in order to truly love? I am ready to say yes.
Yet, they say that there is such a thing as loving too much. It's loving too much that makes us weak lovers. It's loving too much that makes us weak people. It's loving too much that makes us just as bad as loving too little. This is true. True love cannot be overdone. If we find ourselves loving too much, then it wasn't love in the first place.. it was passion or loneliness or self-righteousness or infatuation.
Love is a choice. We may not be able to choose to like, but we do choose to love. I find more and more that I am willing to give my life to love because God wills that we Love. A few months ago, Trisha sent grippa people her realization of what Love is. Before that, Andie also told me about what true love is. As much as they've told me what love is, there is nothing quite like realizing it and discovering it for yourself. That's what's special. That's why I am thanking the Lord for giving me the choice to Love and blessing me with Love in return. I haven't totally realized Love yet but I'm getting very close.
Inshallah I shall know it. Inshallah I shall feel it. Inshallah I shall choose it. Inshallah Mashallah.

wow.. I totally had some serious venting to do when I started this post but it totally changed into something else.. Praise the Lord!

~Benjamin 7/05/2006 10:20:00 PM